Pity Party

I'm feeling sadness.

I keep telling myself not to do this, but I read some blog entries of my former partners this evening. I tell myself not to, b/c it makes me sad. I'm sad that I was so full of hope for those relationships. I admire my former partners, and I wanted our partnership(s) to work. I'm sad b/c I read about their lives, their thoughts, tidbits about the status of the film we produced together, on their blogs - not in conversation with each other. Don't get me wrong, the channels are open and amicable; but, my choice to move out west to pursue my ambitions ended our partnership. Duh, right?

I'm sad b/c I don't feel missed. I'm sad that they're close, closer than ever, and I feel stupid that I feel (and felt) excluded. I'm sad b/c, despite our best efforts, things didn't work out. I'm sad b/c two projects that I really invested myself in over several years are moving into the world without my direct help/guidance/participation. And, that wasn't my hope when I went into them. And, I'm mad that I still get sad about this shit. I'm mad that I keep rewinding these feelings - seeking some sort of comfort...? Purpose? Explanation, point??

I keep thinking, hoping that my experiences over the last few years make me wiser. That they'll help me while I tread my path. I keep waiting for the hurt to go away. I keep waiting to feel closure.

I realize now that so much of the time that I lived in Austin, I felt like an outsider. When I did theatre stuff, I didn't feel completely comfortable/accepted within that community. Nice, lovely, talented people - but, I didn't come to feel I belonged... And, when I did film stuff, the happiest/most at-home/accepted I felt was when I was producing/making my own stuff. When I tried fitting in with other groups, filmmakers, it usually felt - awkward. Like, it would seem, on paper, that a bond with peers might be a "natural," but the only strong bonds I felt were with those folks whom I met or collaborated on my own work...

I don't know, maybe this is all supposed to mean something - or, maybe I'm just venting, trying to expunge some poopy feelings.

Thanks for reading. And, thanks for the kind words of support and encouragement when you send them my way. Sometimes, those are such life lines to me, you have no idea.