I'm feeling more balanced the last couple days. Thanks for the thoughts and support y'all sent my way.
Had a coaching meeting with one of my filmmaker clients today. I really enjoyed it. Then I went to the grocery store and bought giant, non-toxic crayons and paper for Audrey. And, strawberries for the rest of us.
:)
Friday, May 30, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Stormy Weather
So, there are tornado and extreme thunderstorm warnings for Minneapolis/St. Paul this evening. Mostly north of us, though.
I don't think they can compete, though, with the depressive storm that's been commandeering my brain for the last two days: panicky, anti-social, distracted, feel like throwing up from nerves, want to burst into tears, and the funnest part - the what's-the-point-of-anything? angst that underlies everything else. It's been a doozy. And, yes, I'm taking my meds. Sigh.
I just wanted to note it here, b/c I think that'll help me keep a record of episodes. Tonight's better. And, I feel hopeful about tomorrow. The clouds are passing...
I don't think they can compete, though, with the depressive storm that's been commandeering my brain for the last two days: panicky, anti-social, distracted, feel like throwing up from nerves, want to burst into tears, and the funnest part - the what's-the-point-of-anything? angst that underlies everything else. It's been a doozy. And, yes, I'm taking my meds. Sigh.
I just wanted to note it here, b/c I think that'll help me keep a record of episodes. Tonight's better. And, I feel hopeful about tomorrow. The clouds are passing...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Cloudy
Been feelin' poopy, with a big wallop of poopiness today. No reason I'm aware of. But, feeling anxious, pre-occupied, distracted, did I say, anxious? I feel like I've been fighting myself all day to DO anything. Meanwhile, my eyes and brain acknowledge that it was a gorgeous day, I have a beautiful daughter, a lovely, lovely man as my Honey, and the lilacs are blooming.
Feels kind of hard to breathe, and I want to cry.
Suck-o.
Just waiting on this cloud to pass...
Feels kind of hard to breathe, and I want to cry.
Suck-o.
Just waiting on this cloud to pass...
Sunday, May 18, 2008
A random list
Feels like a good time to make a list:
Planted seedlings and plants in veggie garden. Children were successfully involved.
Must take photo(s).
Potted up tomato plants in five pots -- still have many more seedlings to plant!
Heard "Fantasy Life" by Aldo Nova on radio this weekend. OMG, I can't get away from my high school years' soundtrack! Not even the good stuff either!
Twin Cities pop radio stations really like playing Dave Matthews, INXS, Journey, Gavin DeGraw, Matchbox 20, Maroon Five, and songs with lyrics about breathing -- "just breeaathe, just breeaathe.' 'breathe in, breathe out...' you get the idea. Ken and I heard three songs in a row today that alluded to some sort of breathing.
Haven't heard any Howard Jones, though, in at least a week.
Snooped around an empty house for sale just up the street that's in foreclosure. It's a 3/2 under $200K. Looked in all the windows. Needs to be gutted inside. New wiring (burn marks curled up the wall from the wall sockets gave me that clue). New kitchen. New trim. Floors to be refinished. New frames for windows. New windows. Next door neighbor told me it has an oil furnace -- so, new heating system, too. And, that's just from what I can see from the outside. I like mulling through rehabbing it my mind, though. I think, what if we offered $150K...? What if it might still be on the market at the end of this year...? But, then I think, power tools and small baby - not a great match. I'm just playing with these thoughts here.
Feel pudgy. Even after so much squatting, digging, lifting, and such.
I believe I now spend at least 75% more time in the kitchen than I did before having a baby. Between feeding and cleaning dishes, I feel I must spend at least four hours a day at our sink! Agghhh! My footprints are going to become embedded in the floor...
When Ken's parents were visiting, we all went to this pioneer homestead/farm museum together. The docents dress up in period clothes; and they have some farm animals on the land. It was here that Audrey saw her first horse, Henry. I've never seen her SO excited! It was the cutest thing. She practically jumped and down and pointed in his direction if we all took our attention elsewhere. She met the goats and sheep, too, but they were small potatoes compared to Henry. She did rebound in excitement, though, when the docents took us to the barn where they were raising chicks, gosling, baby turkeys, and ducklings. Audrey went right up to the cages and hugged them.
So ends my random list.
Planted seedlings and plants in veggie garden. Children were successfully involved.
Must take photo(s).
Potted up tomato plants in five pots -- still have many more seedlings to plant!
Heard "Fantasy Life" by Aldo Nova on radio this weekend. OMG, I can't get away from my high school years' soundtrack! Not even the good stuff either!
Twin Cities pop radio stations really like playing Dave Matthews, INXS, Journey, Gavin DeGraw, Matchbox 20, Maroon Five, and songs with lyrics about breathing -- "just breeaathe, just breeaathe.' 'breathe in, breathe out...' you get the idea. Ken and I heard three songs in a row today that alluded to some sort of breathing.
Haven't heard any Howard Jones, though, in at least a week.
Snooped around an empty house for sale just up the street that's in foreclosure. It's a 3/2 under $200K. Looked in all the windows. Needs to be gutted inside. New wiring (burn marks curled up the wall from the wall sockets gave me that clue). New kitchen. New trim. Floors to be refinished. New frames for windows. New windows. Next door neighbor told me it has an oil furnace -- so, new heating system, too. And, that's just from what I can see from the outside. I like mulling through rehabbing it my mind, though. I think, what if we offered $150K...? What if it might still be on the market at the end of this year...? But, then I think, power tools and small baby - not a great match. I'm just playing with these thoughts here.
Feel pudgy. Even after so much squatting, digging, lifting, and such.
I believe I now spend at least 75% more time in the kitchen than I did before having a baby. Between feeding and cleaning dishes, I feel I must spend at least four hours a day at our sink! Agghhh! My footprints are going to become embedded in the floor...
When Ken's parents were visiting, we all went to this pioneer homestead/farm museum together. The docents dress up in period clothes; and they have some farm animals on the land. It was here that Audrey saw her first horse, Henry. I've never seen her SO excited! It was the cutest thing. She practically jumped and down and pointed in his direction if we all took our attention elsewhere. She met the goats and sheep, too, but they were small potatoes compared to Henry. She did rebound in excitement, though, when the docents took us to the barn where they were raising chicks, gosling, baby turkeys, and ducklings. Audrey went right up to the cages and hugged them.
So ends my random list.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Biking Fools
Ken's parents, Jackie and Dave, visited us up in the Great North to celebrate Audrey's first birthday (again -- one can never have too much birthday cake IMHO). AND, Ken and I got presents, too! New bikes for Mother's and Father's Days. Woo hoo! As you can see, the Shmoo is strapped in for optimal bikage, herself. We've ventured forth now a couple times. I'm feelin' all athletic and everything...
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Notes on mothering
I really like being Audrey's mom. And, I'm really glad I feel that way! I always thought parenting was such an important job; it intimidated me. I didn't know if I'd be able to be whole enough to not pass on my neuroses willy-nilly onto a child. Today I know that whatever neuroses Audrey becomes acquainted with because of me, well, let's just chalk those up to karmic lessons she signed up for by having me as her mom. :)
I've had some interesting chats with the two mothers in our lives, my mom and Ken's mom. Chats about their childhoods and the experiences from them that shaped them. My mom had a significant portion of her childhood shaped by living with her maternal grandmother, who was a no-nonsense, peasant-stock, Germanic, good-cook-of-simple-home-style-food, hard-ass. Nurturing was not in the family vocabulary. My mom was always told how she didn't measure up, especially compared with her older brother.
Ken's mom grew up the youngest of four girls, with her next-oldest sister being six years older than her. She always wanted to be included, to fit in with, be accepted by her older sisters. It turns out that Anne, her 13-year-old sister, informed seven-year-old Jackie that she was too young for her to play with anymore, and so she wouldn't. And, she didn't. Ouch! Jackie spent the better part of her life returning over and over again to this pattern of wanting to be liked to be included. My mom's spent the better part of her life disciplining herself to achieve, to be positive, to have answers, to measure up to her own (pretty damn ridiculously high) standards. She took over the Hard-Ass title after my great-grandmother's passing... And, I think she's just now in her life beginning to see how being softer, more nurturing with herself is okay. In fact, it's necessary.
Both of them have recognized these patterns and have chipped away at understanding them and raveling them back into their whole selves, to become more balanced, ultimately.
I used to be afraid of how I might "fuck up" my own children. But, I've come to realize that Audrey is going to have her issues to work on and learn from over the course of her life, regardless if she has a "perfect" childhood and parents (what are those anyway, right?). She's here to experience love and sorrow, action and reaction, choices and consequences, creation and destruction. The best I can do is ensure that she knows she is loved and imminently lovable, guide her experiences with and understanding of the above, be present in the moment with her and Ken, share joy, encouragement, parameters, nurturing, creativity and manifesting with her, and probably lots and lots more as she grows.
I'm really glad I'm a mom. And, I'm really glad to have my mom and Jackie in our lives, especially Audrey's now.
Happy Mother's Day to them, to me, and to all my Mom friends out there. :)
I've had some interesting chats with the two mothers in our lives, my mom and Ken's mom. Chats about their childhoods and the experiences from them that shaped them. My mom had a significant portion of her childhood shaped by living with her maternal grandmother, who was a no-nonsense, peasant-stock, Germanic, good-cook-of-simple-home-style-food, hard-ass. Nurturing was not in the family vocabulary. My mom was always told how she didn't measure up, especially compared with her older brother.
Ken's mom grew up the youngest of four girls, with her next-oldest sister being six years older than her. She always wanted to be included, to fit in with, be accepted by her older sisters. It turns out that Anne, her 13-year-old sister, informed seven-year-old Jackie that she was too young for her to play with anymore, and so she wouldn't. And, she didn't. Ouch! Jackie spent the better part of her life returning over and over again to this pattern of wanting to be liked to be included. My mom's spent the better part of her life disciplining herself to achieve, to be positive, to have answers, to measure up to her own (pretty damn ridiculously high) standards. She took over the Hard-Ass title after my great-grandmother's passing... And, I think she's just now in her life beginning to see how being softer, more nurturing with herself is okay. In fact, it's necessary.
Both of them have recognized these patterns and have chipped away at understanding them and raveling them back into their whole selves, to become more balanced, ultimately.
I used to be afraid of how I might "fuck up" my own children. But, I've come to realize that Audrey is going to have her issues to work on and learn from over the course of her life, regardless if she has a "perfect" childhood and parents (what are those anyway, right?). She's here to experience love and sorrow, action and reaction, choices and consequences, creation and destruction. The best I can do is ensure that she knows she is loved and imminently lovable, guide her experiences with and understanding of the above, be present in the moment with her and Ken, share joy, encouragement, parameters, nurturing, creativity and manifesting with her, and probably lots and lots more as she grows.
I'm really glad I'm a mom. And, I'm really glad to have my mom and Jackie in our lives, especially Audrey's now.
Happy Mother's Day to them, to me, and to all my Mom friends out there. :)
Monday, May 05, 2008
Inertia
Feel like things are creeping up in piles around me.
Had a great time today with Ken's parents, Jackie and Dave. Went to our favorite Vietnamese restaurant for lunch. Came back home, after ooohing and ahhhing over all the stately homes on Summit Avenues. Audrey went down for a nap, and Jackie and I went out for a little window-shopping and exploring. Hit the grocery store, came home to make dinner, Ari and Terri and kids came over, and we all had birthday cake again to celebrate Audrey's first birthday. :)
Will post photo(s) tomorrow.
After everybody went home, had ambitious notions about catching up on emails, crossing things off my list, etc. etc. Instead, I spent some time looking at bicycles on the web.
Can't focus right now. I think to myself, it's quiet, I should finally get to some to-do's on my list. Ken's watching "Medium" ten feet away from me, and I'm twitching my head over every five minutes to see Allison Dubois startle awake from another psychic dream.
Okay, I give up.
Had a great time today with Ken's parents, Jackie and Dave. Went to our favorite Vietnamese restaurant for lunch. Came back home, after ooohing and ahhhing over all the stately homes on Summit Avenues. Audrey went down for a nap, and Jackie and I went out for a little window-shopping and exploring. Hit the grocery store, came home to make dinner, Ari and Terri and kids came over, and we all had birthday cake again to celebrate Audrey's first birthday. :)
Will post photo(s) tomorrow.
After everybody went home, had ambitious notions about catching up on emails, crossing things off my list, etc. etc. Instead, I spent some time looking at bicycles on the web.
Can't focus right now. I think to myself, it's quiet, I should finally get to some to-do's on my list. Ken's watching "Medium" ten feet away from me, and I'm twitching my head over every five minutes to see Allison Dubois startle awake from another psychic dream.
Okay, I give up.
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