Notes on mothering

I really like being Audrey's mom. And, I'm really glad I feel that way! I always thought parenting was such an important job; it intimidated me. I didn't know if I'd be able to be whole enough to not pass on my neuroses willy-nilly onto a child. Today I know that whatever neuroses Audrey becomes acquainted with because of me, well, let's just chalk those up to karmic lessons she signed up for by having me as her mom. :)

I've had some interesting chats with the two mothers in our lives, my mom and Ken's mom. Chats about their childhoods and the experiences from them that shaped them. My mom had a significant portion of her childhood shaped by living with her maternal grandmother, who was a no-nonsense, peasant-stock, Germanic, good-cook-of-simple-home-style-food, hard-ass. Nurturing was not in the family vocabulary. My mom was always told how she didn't measure up, especially compared with her older brother.

Ken's mom grew up the youngest of four girls, with her next-oldest sister being six years older than her. She always wanted to be included, to fit in with, be accepted by her older sisters. It turns out that Anne, her 13-year-old sister, informed seven-year-old Jackie that she was too young for her to play with anymore, and so she wouldn't. And, she didn't. Ouch! Jackie spent the better part of her life returning over and over again to this pattern of wanting to be liked to be included. My mom's spent the better part of her life disciplining herself to achieve, to be positive, to have answers, to measure up to her own (pretty damn ridiculously high) standards. She took over the Hard-Ass title after my great-grandmother's passing... And, I think she's just now in her life beginning to see how being softer, more nurturing with herself is okay. In fact, it's necessary.

Both of them have recognized these patterns and have chipped away at understanding them and raveling them back into their whole selves, to become more balanced, ultimately.

I used to be afraid of how I might "fuck up" my own children. But, I've come to realize that Audrey is going to have her issues to work on and learn from over the course of her life, regardless if she has a "perfect" childhood and parents (what are those anyway, right?). She's here to experience love and sorrow, action and reaction, choices and consequences, creation and destruction. The best I can do is ensure that she knows she is loved and imminently lovable, guide her experiences with and understanding of the above, be present in the moment with her and Ken, share joy, encouragement, parameters, nurturing, creativity and manifesting with her, and probably lots and lots more as she grows.

I'm really glad I'm a mom. And, I'm really glad to have my mom and Jackie in our lives, especially Audrey's now.

Happy Mother's Day to them, to me, and to all my Mom friends out there. :)