Look Out For Audrey Moving!: June 2008

Been riding some depressive currents that got tidal the middle of last week. On Wednesday, I was completely useless. Tuesday night, I felt a little panicked that I didn't have plans for Wednesday. What would I do with the day? With Audrey? Did we need groceries? No. To do laundry? Not really. Go somewhere? Meet up for a play date? No. Cook something. Don't feel like it. Bored with food, myself. Have food for Audrey and Ken.

I awakened Wednesday, feeling unrested and anxious, and it went pretty much down hill from there. I felt paralyzed as the day went on to do anything, because I couldn't summon the will to do even just one thing (I think I did go outside [aimlessly] with Audrey at one point, b/c she really likes being outside).

I was better this weekend. In fact, I was better Thursday, and much better this weekend. And, I'm setting up a meeting with the psychiatrist to evaluate my meds. And meeting with another doctor about my hormone levels. And, I'm wondering if caffeine or caffeine withdrawal are colluding things...? And, things seem overall, this evening, to be much brighter, and I knew inside somewhere that the clouds would pass, blah, blah, blah.

But, as I explained to Ken, it felt a little like awakening with an extreme hangover, when I hadn't had anything to drink in months and months. It's frustrating, scary, and feels futile to be unable to pinpoint what causes an episode. And, what's even more frustrating, scary, and futile-feeling is the idea that I don't get to find equilibrium in a medication and stay in that space without additional monitoring and efforts. "Normalcy" is so taken-for-granted.

I feel like there's no slacking off. No relaxing. Must be aware of all inputs - foods, medications, amounts of exercise, types of exercise, inside stresses, external stresses, etc. - at all times, in order to remain free (hopefully) of Useless days, weeks, or longer. Oh, and that - Time. I worry that I might get worse and worse as I age. I worry that I've passed genes onto Audrey, and she'll have all this fun, too.

I've thought to myself many, many times how to describe my condition with depression. I don't like to say I suffer from it (though, I do, when it's inflamed), because I don't want present myself to the Universe as continually suffering it. Should I say I wrestle with it? Yep, I wrestle with it. But, do I want to be in a constant state of wrestling with any issue/condition in my life? Then, I read something tonight in an online interview with a subject from a PBS documentary on depression, and she described herself as someone who manages depression. She's not cured from it, but she manages as best she can.

Hi. I'm Lorie, and I manage my depression.

Agh.

I don't want to label myself, but it freaks me out to skirt along these edges of Poopiness and Uselessness; so, I can't deny it's not real. That it's not something I'll have deal with for the rest of my life. But, I felt such a relief when the medication worked. 'Ah, maybe it's just a chemical imbalance!' That explains it. Wow, normal feels so effortless.

But, when it doesn't seem to be working anymore, I wonder, 'Is it a vitamin deficiency? Too much caffeine? A hormonal imbalance?' What? Then I've felt better, happy even, the last couple days - still taking my meds - and, I wonder if I'm taking them at too-inconsistent times, I'm too lax with keeping track of dosages, etc.? How do I make it STOP coming back?

I'm not being nearly as eloquent about all this stuff as this guy. But, reading some of his stuff this evening made me want to try to untangle some stuff here in the blog.

The gist is, I recognized with a resigned clarity this evening that managing my depression (and it's Best Friend, Anxiety) is going to be a life-long effort, with ups and downs. I had hoped that taking a med, which had worked well for me, would be the extent of it. But now, I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a bump in the road, or a complete detour. And, that bums me out a bit.

And, tonight, I'm okay with that. I've got a great support system in Ken and our families and friends. And, I'm ga-ga over my kid.

Thanks for reading.

Ken is out at Como Zoo this morning with Audrey, leaving me ALONE in the house. Omigod. I've been nearly having an anxiety attack as I zing around the house like a ping-pong ball trying to get to the 27 things I've had on my mind for weeks. Things that don't lend themselves to completing while a 14-month-old tries to climb on my lap. Seriously, I've nearly stopped in mid-stride to jump and down to try to bring my nerves down during this brief interlude.

I'm only checking in now because I've managed to clean my desk, call the attorneys about a will, sort through old tax stuff, organize a folder for new tax stuff, and cut up our old insurance cards. I still need to make a couple phone calls, and oh, write a few entries on this other blog I'm working on... Will tell/direct you to other blog when I'm ready for it to "have company."

Off I go.