Rock Steady

Today has been a blur.

This week has been a blur.

I have a new client, a writer who needs marketing analysis/business/strategy consultation. Very cool. I have to read four of his scripts this week.

Current count: 1 and 1/2.

I've had piles on my desk that have taunted me, which I've finally reduced somewhat. I've finally downloaded photos from my digital camera to my Mac. I've finally posted some videos to this blog.

But, I struggle with feeling clear-headed. I feel like I'm in reactive mode so much of every week.

When Audrey wakes up at Dark O'clock, the first thing I think of is, 'When can I go back to sleep, so I feel rested?' Then my next thought is, 'What are we doing this morning?' My mind casts about. What is today? What can we do? What do I need to remember? What am I forgetting? And, that's just the mornings. After nap time, the same question gapes, 'What do we do this afternoon?' WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS UNTIL DINNERTIME? Not to mention, 'What shall we eat?' What has she had already? How do I get some veggies/fiber/protein in the day's meals/snacks. I can't just feed her Cheerios and cheese cubes all day...

It gets tiresome. And, it makes me feel constantly preoccupied, because, duh, I am. I know this period won't last forever; we'll just have new challenges to adapt to, I know. I'm just venting the fog of frustration, uncertainty, and fatigue that I'm feeling.

In other busyness --

I went to an IFP event Tuesday night; took Audrey to her 18-month pediatrician visit Wednesday (22 pounds!); made a dinner last night for friends who've just welcomed their second baby, and dropped it off at their house today; and, tonight, I was supposed to go to another IFP event. I just found Audrey-time so exhausting today; plus, I never got a shower. So, I didn't go to the event. Guess that answers the question: can only manage one event per week, if that. Plus, work-wise, I had a great discussion last night with another client of mine about her script. She's really done the work during this script development process, and I believe she's just one draft away from a good show-it-to-the-world version.

So, tonight, after a bumpy bedtime landing with A, what have I done with my time? Read more scripts?

Nope. I've rearranged most of my bookmark links. And, read a lot of movie-trade stuff.

I feel like I'm experiencing one of those exponential leaps in development vis a vis Audrey. Like we're both stretching outside our comfort zones. She wants to be engaged at all times; she wants to go outside at all times. She wants to push all the keys on my cell phone and my keyboard. She wants to tell me all the words she's trying to master.

Today, she poured out an entire, new box of Cheerio's (that I forgot were on the table) while I was blowing my nose or something in the bathroom.

Everything's fine. She's great. I just feel some frustration, because as soon as I get her down for a nap, or especially bed time, all I want to do is collapse into bed - or a prone position on any horizontal surface, really.

But, in the tiny, unexpected moments of quiet during a week, I'll have these inspirations, ideas, opportunities. And, I'm fired up about them. But... They fade back onto the electronic "stickies" I keep on my desktop. Notes that speak of career/vocational ambitions, toddler activities, To Do's, links to articles or websites I want to check out/remember, etc.

I've run out of new colors to assign to "Stickies" to designate the most current one. There are at least six open, and most are fairly long lists at this point.

Plus, I haven't had the energy/attention to just "hang out" with Ken hardly at all. His birthday's coming up, and I feel like I don't have the battery capacity to sustain the imagination I want to summon for thinking up something festive to fete him with...

Ugh, I feel blob-by. I am a blob.

Blob.

This blob's going to bed. :)